Traditions Are Dead People Guilt Tripping You From The Great Beyond

Ok, you can stop clutching your pearls for a moment & hear us out. Traditions are by definition (according to Britannica ) “ a way of thinking, behaving, or doing something that has been used by the people in a particular group, family, society, etc., for a long time.”. That’s not to say they are inherently bad, ( or good for that matter) but they don’t always resonate with an inidivudal or couple and yet they feel compelled to incorporate it. Worse yet they feel pressured by wedding vendors or loved ones as a “required” part of their wedding. When that’s the case it often feels like traditions are dead people guilt tripping you from the great beyond. Let’s break down why some people may not choose to partake in traditions, alternatives, how to handle those conversations with vendors/loved ones & what to look for in vendors when choosing to ensure they understand your wants.

Why do some couples not resonate with some traditions? It could be the history. Many traditions originate from a time that was wildly sexist, classist & racist and even though now those same traditions aren’t promoting the same things some people or couples can feel that it is stained from its origin. For example a veil was originally designed to hide the bride’s entire appearance from the groom waiting at the alter incase he saw her, didn’t like what he saw & decided he wanted out of the deal ( remember he paid a dowry). Now veils don’t hold that intense ( or oppressive) vibe but for some people the whole history ruins it.

For other people or couples a tradition simply doesn’t resonate with them. It doesn't click. It doesn’t feel like them. And that’s ok! We each have our own personalities, wants, needs, etc & traditions in a way have their own personality. Just like people some don’t match up in a dreamy way. For those individuals forcing it just feels weird, icky & at least performative like checking a box or fulfilling a request but it’s nothing more.

For other people or couples traditions don’t logistically make sense & in some cases that can be painful. For example mixed gender wedding parties. Someone may have a whole slew of friends or various genders but if they’re expected to whittle it down to only those matching theirs then the number dwindles. Or the tradition of a dad walking the bride down the aisle. Well not everyone has a dad in their life for many reasons ( estrangement, death, no dad to start with) & it can feel clunky (pr painful), even when the topic is breeched.

Ok, so let’s assume that someone does NOT want to do a tradition for whatever reason… what do they do then? Well some traditions ( like a veil) are easy… you just don’t do it. Honestly many of them are easy to just remove. But what if you feel like there’s a “hole” that you want to have SOMETHING there instead. What do you resonate with? Is there a way to incorporate that? For instance let’s say you want someone to walk you down the aisle, perhaps another loved one or close friend. Instead of a unity candle maybe a sand ceremony. Instead of a wedding cake maybe a cookie bar. There may be limitations especially if religious organizations are involved but don’t hesitate to brain storm or even ask.

Often people have a tough time with traditions changing & buck them because of the “ it’s the way it’s always been” rhetoric . If you are the one “breaking the tradition” it can nerve wracking breaking the news depending upon how you anticipate people reacting. The clearest, simplest way is to simply say “ We’re not doing X because we don’t feel like it’s us”, or something along those lines. If you are substituting a new or modified tradition it may be easier to approach. Saying” Instead of doing X we’re goin to do X because it feels more like us”. Now if whoever it is that you’re telling pushes back at all or tries to guilt trip you it’s best to be prepared in a calm, cool way. If they say something like “ What would you’re grandma think? It’s how it’s always been done .” Assuming whichever relative they’re referencing is passed a minimal response such as “ I think grandma would be happy for us in whatever we choose & sometimes things are updated. You smartphone isn’t the same rotary phone from decades ago & everyone seems pretty happy”. Now if you are the receiver of news that a tradition won’t be done or will be modified… accept it & move on. This isn’t your day & you need to empathetic to the people are getting married. This may be a tough pill to swallow & yes, there may be many more layers to unpack but that’s for you to unpack. Not for the couple to burden.

Vendors can be a huge part of ensuring your vision is created! Sometimes vendors are even the ones pushing traditions. So to avoid an uneccesary person pushing traditions throughly check thier website & socials. Are the words “traditional”, “classic” or “timeless” popping up? If so they value tradition on at least some level. Look at the images. Does it scream the personification or tradition? Instead look for words such as “non-traditional”, “bespoke”, “custom”, and “authentic”. The images should reflect some elements of “out of the box” or unique.

Now, what if you DO want to do a tradition?No shame! You should do what resonates with you. That’s why we said to stop clutching your pearls in the beginning. Traditions aren’t inherently bad if you resonate with them. Think of it as a buffet. Pick up what you enjoy & leave the rest. You don have to have the potatoes if you only want the mixed veggies.

Regardless of whether you’re team tradition or anti tradition or somewhere in between there is a route for you that’s full of joy without the stress of feeling nagged by something that simply isn't you. The moral of the whole long post ( than’t for sticking around) is to do what’s true to you.